Three Days

It accrued to me that I had never blogged or formally written down the amazing testimony of when Cooper our youngest child was healed. I almost can't believe I've never written this down considering this one event drastically changed Michael and I along with shaping us into the believers we are today. It's strange that as I sit here in front of my computer some 6 years later I am still so in awe of what God did I have a difficult time finding my words.

In the spring of 2009 when Cooper was about 8 months old I was at a play date with a close friend. She mentioned to me that she had noticed that Coopers head was rather flat across the back and wondered if I had asked my doctor about it. I had mentioned it to one doctor in the practice we regularly visited and he had kind of blown me off. However I really trusted this friends opinion considering her daughter who was the same age as Cooper was awaiting cranial reconstructive surgery for  craniosynostosis. Upon her suggestion we visited another pediatrician with in our group for a second opinion. It was at this second appointment when we realized Cooper too had a possible early fusion of the sutures in his skull and would require x-rays and a visit to a neruo surgeon at Children's Hospital. Before I left his office we discussed the effects of this issue in relation to some delays Cooper was experiencing. To the best of our knowledge we too seemed to be facing craniosynostosis.

I remember loading Cooper into the van and heading home. I was so angry that our baby might be facing yet another hurdle after all we had done to get him here healthy and whole. The very thought that something else could be going wrong brought me to a dark dark place spiritually. I cried out to God as I headed home. When I got home I did something that to this day shocks even me. I picked up the phone and instead of calling Michael I called my pastor. I can't remember anything I said to him other than "pray that when we visit the neuro surgeon they think we're there for no reason." My pastor asked me to keep Cooper out of the nursery that Sunday and bring him for prayer. He wanted a chance to lay hands on Cooper and have the entire congregation pray for him. That evening when Michael came home from work I told him about our doctors visit and my call to the pastor. Michael's reaction was classic Michael. He was so calm and just knew everything was going to be ok. (You see Michael posses the spiritual gift of faith and at the time just didn't know it yet.) As usual Michael put Cooper to bed that night, he said later that he prayed for Cooper and that he knew Cooper was going to be okay. I wasn't so sure by now a real case of fear had set in and I wasn't sure if God could work a miracle in our lives or Coopers.

That Sunday morning we kept Cooper in service with us. During prayer request our pastor asked us to come forward with Cooper. He, his wife, the youth minister and his wife along with Michael and I laid hands on Cooper while the congregation stretched their hands out in agreement. I had never in all my years as a Christian seen anyone lay hands on someone and pray for them. It was a remarkable gesture. Everyone was in agreement for Cooper's healing and that when we saw our neuro surgeon he would wonder why we were even there.

On Wednesday night while talking with the youth ministers wife we realized Coopers head had already began to change shape. It was no longer completely flat on the back and was rounding off. THREE DAYS and we were already seeing God move and work. WOW! I remember being in complete and total awe of what He was doing. I had been so angry and full of fear and yet He was still working in my life and in Cooper's life even when I lacked faith.

We visited Children's Hospital in Birmingham later that month. Michael and his dad both accompanied me for the visit. I remember them sending in a resident first to asses the situation. The resident would rub Cooper's head and look at the chart. He did this over and over again several times before saying he was going to consult with the other surgeon. Then that surgeon came in rubbed Cooper's head and looked his chart. This went on several times before the resident actually asked if we were sure we even needed to be there. He said Cooper's head was perfectly round and nothing like what they had in the chart! He said there was no explanation on why his head was now round if just weeks before it had been so flat. We knew the explanation! God had healed our baby!

Looking back on this event I can truly say God gave us a miracle. Sometimes I think I needed to see a miracle to help grow my faith. Sometimes I think the people around us needed to see a miracle to know God still works in this way. And sometimes I think it is all part of the testimony God has given us to share with the world. Here's the thing God is big I think He knew I would be angry, I think He knew Michael would exercise great faith and I think He knew all along that in the end we would shout from the roof tops about this great thing He had done.

This single event changed my spiritual life. It changed Michael's spiritual life. Most of all it changed how we see God and how we teach our children about God. You see God is exactly the same today as He was when He gave Abraham and Sarah a baby at 100+ yrs of age, He is the same as He was when He spoke creation into existence, He is the same as He was when He sent His son to be born of a virgin, He is the same as He was when Jesus rose after 3 days. HE NEVER CHANGES!

Memory Hope pt2

In my previous post I tried to share the events in the days leading up to my March 9 doctors appointment. That is where I'll begin today.

After quickly posting to Facebook we went in the hospital to get checked in for routine blood work and a ultrasound. It's so strange these things are very routine and normally people don't meet them with as much fear as I had that day. The lab was backed up so we ventured down stairs to meet our sweet baby via ultrasound. I remember being extremely nervous as we waited for our name to be called.

The ultrasound tech calls my name and we go back. She gets us all set up asking how far along we were (trying to decide which kind of ultrasound to do). As she begins she asks if I have drank the suggested 20 oz of water. We joked that I was pregnant and drinking that much water without a bathroom break was almost impossible. As she slid the transducer across my belly she asked again "how far along are you". I respond "that I should be at least 10+ weeks." The tech then explains that my bladder isn't full enough and asks me to go drink some water and wait 20-30 minutes. As we walked out of the exam room I told Michael something wasn't right. I knew this wasn't good. At 10+ weeks seeing a baby full bladder or not shouldn't be a problem. At 2:00 on the nose she called us again. Sliding the transducer across my belly a second time I could tell from her face that things weren't right. She said she couldn't get a good view and needed to try a vaginal ultrasound instead to get a better view. After getting the machine set up I will never forget what the tech did next as she began she turned the screen away from me. I knew then something very bad was wrong. I laid there as she took measurements in silence. A few minutes in (which felt like eternity) I mustered some courage. "Can you see anything?" Her response haunts me to this day "No, Nothing."

I immediately broke down. I remember crying the most uncontrollable tears as Michael changed positions to be by my side and hold my hand. He leaned in to hug me and the tech said "she was sorry and was trying to hurry." I knew she had a job to do but time completely stood still. The tech finished up and said she would give us some time. As we walked out I remember asking her "did you see the baby? What's wrong". She just replied "she was sorry she had already said too much."

Because the ultrasound wasn't done in my doctors office I had to wait a bit before I could have my "results." Knowing my doctor wasn't in on Mondays I called and asked to speak to my nurse later that afternoon. I told her I knew things were bad and wondered if she had the results.

Sparing you the medical mumbojumbo the long and the short was that the baby was measuring several weeks smaller than my gestation and had no heartbeat. Those last words just hung in the air no heartbeat. As my sweet nurse kept talking I tried to listen. She tried to speak hope into the situation explaining that I could just be off on my dates and if I was finding no heartbeat via ultrasound at the measured gestation wasn't alarming. My doctor would be in the next day and call me.

The next morning I had a lengthy conversation with my doctor. After going over the dates I had we both knew there was no way I was just off. He suggested rechecking my hcg levels to confirm. If they dropped then that meant our baby was no longer with us and miscarriage was inevitable. The 3 days we waited for follow up blood work took forever. On that Thursday I drove to the hospital to get a copy since my doctor was out of the office. A quick glance confirmed our worst fear numbers had dropped. We were going to lose our baby. I spoke with my doctor the next morning about where we would go from there. He explained that we could wait it out and allow my body to do it's thing or we could opt for a d&c. I already knew we wanted to take route 1 and avoid a d&c if it was at all possible. So with that decision the wait began.

I remember sharing this photo and Facebook post one evening while we waited in limbo for my body to take over. After posting our selfie from the hospital I had dozens of emails, texts and fb messages asking how things had went. This post while difficult was the easiest way I could think of to spread the sad news and not have to have a million different conversations.

I have had dozens of messages, emails and text asking how our doctors appointment went on Monday. After some days of prayer and consideration we've decided the easiest way to answer them all would be to post here. This is by far the hardest post I have ever written. 
As you know Monday we went to have an ultrasound and meet our sweet baby for the first time. Sadly our sweet baby had no heartbeat. Hormone levels confirmed our worst fear that our baby was now resting in the arms of Jesus. As Christians we believe life begins at conception and while this life was cut extremely short we still cherish, celebrate and love our sweet little baby. We appreciate all your texts, calls and messages. Please forgive us if we don't reply. We are taking our time to grieve and navigate this tough situation. Please continue to pray for us in the days ahead.

Over the next two weeks I was a basket of emotions. I was still carrying my baby who was no longer with us. Sometimes I have lots of words for what I felt and sometimes I don't. I can best sum it up as a living hell waiting for the "ball to drop" at any minute. I was angry and tried crying out to God for comfort and peace some days I felt it and others I didn't. I didn't want to leave my house, I didn't want to have to share the details of the limbo we were in, and I sure didn't want to have to discuss this nightmare with those who hadn't seen our fb post. During this time Michael was nothing short of amazing. He was by my side as much as possible, he was beyond compassionate and allowed me to process each day as it came and made sure to pick up any slack I let drag. I learned a lot about my marriage in those days and I now we grew closer together. My children were amazing also. We just spent lots of time talking about our baby, talking about a name, talking about what heaven must be like for a little one and leaning on each other and our faith for comfort. I also had a slew of friends, family and our amazing church who just surrounded us with prayer and love during those days.

On the morning of March 22 I woke up too some spotting. For those who have suffered a miscarriage you know this is often the first sign that something is wrong. But for me it was a sign that my body had started the process of letting go. I reassured myself and my body that is was ok to let go that Jesus and my mom could hold and take care of my baby until I could. I experienced a level of frustration that evening when things seemed to be slowing down. I went to bed with the most horrendous cramps praying for God to comfort me during this time.

I passed our baby at home early in the morning on March 23. My instant emotion was relief then sadness complete and total sadness. Due to some initial hemorrhaging a trip to the er was necessary and Michael spent the rest of the day taking care of me.

We decided to name our baby Memory Hope. I suggested Memory because that is all we'll ever have of this sweet baby is a memory. Michael suggested Hope because this baby was a symbol of hope fulfilled and hope for a rainbow baby in our future. We chose to bury the remains in our rose garden and one day we hope to plant a beautiful tree in memory not only Memory Hope but her siblings she is playing with in heaven.

I want to share more about my emotions and the healing/grieving process. That post my friends will have to wait.

Memory Hope pt.1

January 8 2015 was my 31st birthday I was hastily preparing for a night out with Michael and our friends. A Dollar Tree pregnancy test lay unopened on my bathroom counter. I had looked at it a dozen times over the last few days. I was late and that wasn't unusual so I thought nothing of it and let the test just sit there. As I prepared for a friend to bring her young children over for my teenager to babysit I quickly took the test. Negative as usual.

Rewind 6 or so years...

After our youngest child Cooper was born Michael expressed a desire for that to be our last baby. I had a deep desire for more children but yielded to the decision of my husband. We took no permanent precautions but his mind was made up. Shortly after Cooper turned one Michael had a change of heart (which I had prayed for). We immediately began trying to have another baby. After some time of it not happening we decided we wouldn't try but we wouldn't prevent and we would leave this area of our lives completely up to God. Deep down I knew no matter what my desire for another child was strong. Over the years there was lots of disappointment, sadness and prayer as we longed to add to our family but it wasn't happening. Then in August of 2012 we suffered our first miscarriage. I was sad but considering I didn't know I was pregnant until it was happening the impact it made on either of us was small. I believe we suffered another miscarriage in the Spring of 2014. I was too afraid to confirm I was ever pregnant and again let my body take care of things naturally on it's own. 

During these times we never stopped praying, never stopping believing God would add to our family but at some point early this year we became content with things not matter how God decided to write the story. That is where I found myself in January. Too afraid to take the test and it be negative but completely ok with the out come. January's test was negative and I just went on with life as usual. I hadn't felt good since Christmas and since I wasn't pregnant I started to get frustrated that I couldn't feel better. The first Thursday in February Michael was off work for his usual off day. I didn't feel well and was experiencing lots of virago symptoms. Michael smugly recommended I take a pregnancy test. I hadn't even considered retesting! I quickly made a post in my Mommy FB Group "what were your earliest signs of pregnancy?" The comments matched several things I had been experiencing. I quickly realized if I was pregnant it was by far the sickest I'd ever been while pregnant! LOL Friday morning I went as usual to clean a house for one of my long time friends and clients. While there I had to have Jesse help my with a couple of the chores because the chemicals were making me sick. She then suggested I listen to Michael and make sure to pick up a test on the way home. So off to Wal-Mart we went. When I came home I was exhausted and terrified to test. Early that afternoon I took this test and this is what I saw...

Friday, February 6, 2015

I was speechless. I couldn't even manage words to call Michael. I just snapped this picture and sent it to him via text message with not words or explanations. I wish I had saved our dialogue because it was rather funny. Michael "what is that mean?" Me "you're going to be a daddy again." We were elated to say the least. I have never in my life been so overcome with joy. (OK I have but you know!) We had longed for this for so long and it was finally a reality. Those two dark pink lines meant so much to us. Since my cycles are rather irregular we decided a test that estimated weeks was a good way to go. Just as I suspected it estimated we were 5-6 weeks. This is around the same time we found out we were expecting with our boys so I was confident we were "safe". We told the children that same day and I told all my Mommy friends in my group so they could be praying for us. After announcing we were pregnant with Cooper and being met with such negative response we dreaded telling our family.  We knew so many people (not just family) would react in this same negative way this time. We chewed on our news and celebrated as a family for several days before telling our family about the sweet baby were carrying. 

We announced we were expecting on February 9 with this lovely photo and the hastags #macbaby2015 #worththewait. 

We were roughly 6 weeks pregnant and I was sick as dog but we wanted everyone to celebrate with us.  I spent the next several weeks awaiting my first "real" doctors appointment. During this time I spent a lot of time worrying about our baby. At the time the worry seemed ridiculous, now I guess it seems like "mother's intuition." I was sick and everyone would reassure me that this was a good sign that my body and hormones were doing what they were supposed to. 

Just days before my appointment I remember Michael coming home from work and sitting on the edge of the bed to talk to me. I had been in bed all day feeling icky and worried to death. I told him "Michael if something is wrong you have to be the strong one. I can't handle anymore heartache in this area. I want this baby to be ok but I'm terrified it isn't."

On the morning of March 9 I had my doctors appointment. At my doctors office your first appointment isn't much fun. It is a visit with the nurse to confirm you're pregnant, establish previous ob history and a bit of "education." They also scheduled a sonogram for later that afternoon. I was cautiously excited about getting to meet our baby that afternoon. Luckily Michael made it home in time to join me. I remember messaging my friend Melissa and telling her I was nervous. She asked specifically what I was afraid of. I replied "Something being wrong or there being no heartbeat." She promised to pray for me in the hours before and during the sonogram and blood work. As we arvived at the hospital for the test I snapped this picture of Michael and I quickly posting it to fb asking for prayer and good thoughts. 

Looking at that picture now seems so strange to me. We were so excited to be meeting our sweet little baby for the first time but I was rattled with fear that something just wasn't right...

Thanksliving

Recently our pastor has been preaching a series on living a life of thankfulness. The first Sunday in November he challenged us to make a list of 25 things we were thankful for. I have to admit this has been hard for me. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But my family is going through a very difficult season and it's effecting my attitude about being thankful.

Our pastor's series is no coincidence. I need to adjust my attitude. No matter the situation I have a lot to be thankful for. I need to remember being thankful is something I should express everyday not just the 4th Thursday in November. Since i never did here's my list.

25 things I'm thankful for: 

1. My savior, He paid the price of sin so I wouldn't have to.

2. Freedom to practice my faith without fear of persecution.

3. My amazing husband. He works his fingers to the bone to provide for his family. More than anything he loves me unconditionally and he has a true heart for God.

3. My children. These 3 treasures have taught me so much about life in their short lives. 

4. My new church family.
5. Loving friends. I have been blessed to have a couple wonderful friends. They are always there when I need them.
6. My homeschool group. Homeschooling is not easy but a wonderful group to share the journey with helps.
7. A nice warm bed.
8. Food to feed my family.
9. Clothes.
10. Warm coats on cold winter days.
11. Our wood stove. My diligent husband cuts wood every winter so we can utilize wonderful free heat.
12. My van. While not brand new it takes our family where we need to go!
13. Technology!  It makes homeschooling, running a family, keeping in touch and more a breeze.
14. My mother . My mother passed away 11 years ago but the things she instilled in me are forever part of me.
15. My dad. He has always shown a great example of hard work and perseverance. He continues to be a great source of comfort and advice for me.
16. Washer and dryer (or in my case mostly a clothes line) . I am thankful for modern washing machines. I can't imagine scrubbing Michael's work clothes on a wash board. I mostly use a clothes line but I am thankful for a dryer in the cold winter months.
17. Refrigerators!
18. Freedom!
19. My siblings. While we don't alway see eye to eye is am thankful my parents gave me siblings.
20. My inlaws. I am thankful for lots of family who love and support us.
21. My stepmom. She is good for my dad! And our family!
22. My stepsister. It's been such fun getting to have a bonus sister!
23. My nieces and nephews. I am so thankful my kids have cousins!
24. Michael's new job.
25.I am thankful God continues to be faithful and work in our lives.

I really thought I was going to have a hard time coming up with 25 but once I started it was hard time stop....
26. My health.
27. Electricity
28. Running water...clean running water.

I have so much to be thankful for! What about you? 

Happy Birthday Jesse-Grace

I almost can't believe it. Our "baby girl" is turning 14! It's crazy just how fast 14 years can go by. I remember people telling us to savor the moments, not take time for granted, and to cherish even the "hard stuff'. They were right. We have officially had more time with our girl than we have left with her. I thought I'd share 14 things about Jesse and 14 of my favorite pics of her in celebrate. So with out further ado....

1. You are an amazing sister. You love your brothers not matter how crazy they make you. 

2. You have found a sport you love and are good at. You have shown great dedication to your sport and it has paid off. 

3. You are beautiful. Never doubt it!

4. You love Jesus. This is one of the best things about you. Your faith will get you through a lot cling to it. 

5. You are super creative. 

6. You have a servants heart. Your kind beyond your years. 

7. You love to learn about neat places. I hope you get to travel to all the places you love reading about. 

8. You rock at being a cousin!

9. You are not afraid of an adventure. 

10. You are compassionate with a heart to give. 

11. You are a good friend. 

12. You made us parents and with you we started a family. Thanks by the way ;)

13. You're crazy sassy. It is one of the things we love about you. 

14. You might have entered this world small but you have always been a fierce force to be reckoned with. I know as you grown into an adult this will be a wonderful trait! I know you'll learn to use it for lots of good.

Never forgotten 9-11-2001

My children aren't old enough to remember the events of 9-11, so we decided to spend some time learning about it on the anniversary. I will never forget the events of that day, the way our nation was gripped with fear, and I will  never forget how was all rose hand in hand to support each other in the days following. I know this is a tragedy that had a huge impact on our nation and  I wanted my children to understand that.

I thought it would be nice to share the tools we used. First I found these awesome notebook pages. We journal once a week at our house and the anniversary just so happened to fall on journal day. I printed a couple pages and pasted them inside the big kids journals.

We also read great articles from Scholastic News. These were great because all their content was kid friendly and didn't contain anything they couldn't handle emotionally. Scholastic is a fantastic resource. 

Lastly we watched some wonderful videos using one of my favorite internet resources...Youtube. (To make sure all our "searches" are safe on this site I do all the searching and try to preview what we are going to watch.) I found the first video by searching "what happened on 9-11 for kids. The second was shared by a friend on facebook.  

Both videos were wonderful resources in helping Jesse and Duece understand what happened on that day 13 years ago. I know they were moved by what happened to the people who lost their lives. I also know they were in awe of how people bonded together to help their neighbor. 

We ended by writing about what we learned about this day in history and about how it makes us feel. 

I hope the lessons we had today help the kids better understand the tragedy and the impact it had on our nation. I also wanted them to understand that their freedom is and was never free. I hope they have found a new respect for the country they call home. 

Grocery Budget

I don't even know where to begin. I can't tell you the last time I actually had control of my grocery budget. For months now it has been spiraling out of control. My lack of planning, willingness to prep and rising cost have driven us to spend more on groceries than we have in a long time. I use to be very disciplined in this area. I guess I let it go. After a long look at our budget and our money going out I realized I needed to gain control. Groceries (and incidentals which I include) just so happen to be one bleeding area I can fix. So that is where I found myself this week. Ready to take back control. I had a tried and true working method so I just went right back to it. I thought I would share since I have had so many people ask how I do it. 

Step one: Gather weekly sales adds for area stores. In my case that would be Foodland, Piggly Wiggly and Aldi. You have to decide if you are going to go to all the different stores or price match at Wal-Mart. This time I price matched. 

Step two: Once I know what is on sale I make a menu. I base my menu on 2 things what is on sale and what we already have on hand. In this case ground chuck was on sale and we had chicken on hand. I also work in one meatless meal every week (sometimes two).

Excuse my winter themed printable. It was all I had handy. You'll notice based off of the dates that my menu runs Friday to Thursday. This is because I try to shop on Thursdays.

Step three: I make my shopping list. I only add the things we will need for the meals planned plus snack options, any  lunch items hubby needs for packing his, non-food items we need, pet needs and any staple we are running low on. If I am going to price match after I list the items I write the lowest price next to the item. This makes check out run a little faster. As I shop I underline the things instead of crossing them off. I do this so I can still read it when I get to check out ;) 

You'll notice a couple places where I scribbled out the "lowest price" that is because Wal-Mart ended up having the lowest price on this item. Price matching saves me having to run to the 3 other stores. 

Step four: Shopping. At check out as the cashier rings up my items if I have a price match I tell her and she takes care of it. It really is that easy. I take the store ad or can always pull it up on my phone if she has a question.

My shopping buddy.

When I was trying to come up with a realistic budget for groceries. I had to think about what we can afford and how much things cost. I finally settled on $125-$150 a week. I am realistic. I know there will be weeks when I go over but I would really like to stay around the $125-$130 mark. However this week I was trying to stay around $104 (We already spent a little of said grocery money on dinner Thursday night and Michael's lunch items.)

This week my haul included:

bananas

1 20 oz soda (treat for the hubby)

Cheeze-It

Hair and beauty products

taco seasoning

tomato sauce

jalapeno (fresh)

brown rice

green chilies

flour

lunchables

a variety of canned beans and tomatoes

sugar

cornmeal

1 bag of candy corn (treat for kids)

bag of onions

apples

red grapes

blue berries

pizza yeast

loaf bread

potatoes 

frozen broccoli

chips

refried beans

corn and flour tortillas

salsa

5 lbs of hamburger meat ( I do not normally buy meat at this store but since it was fresh and being cooked right away I did this time)

canned corn

soups

shredded cheese

olives

bbq sauce

paper plates (for our upcoming camping trip)

freezer bags

frozen pizza

My total was $101.52. This includes 6 dinners, lunches, and snacks. 

I was pretty proud of myself. Several of the things I bought will last a while like the flour, sugar, cornmeal and tortillas. Of course there were things I didn't have to buy like cereal and we actually eat about 1 box a month. I also didn't have to purchase milk or eggs. We already had milk in the freezer since we don't use a lot. We never buy eggs since we have chickens who give us anywhere from 2-4 a day.