Meant To Be

It's 4:15 am. I've been wide awake since before 3. I can't sleep. In my failed attempts I roll over and snuggle closer to Arleigh. I lay there in the dark smelling her sweet smell until she begins to frantically search for her paci in her sleep. My failed attempts to help her find it means I have to turn on the lamp. I find the paci up under Michael's pillow, place it in her sweet hand and without opening her eyes she finds her mouth while snuggling in just a bit closer. With the lights on I can see every feature of her face, the dirt under her tiny finger nails and the way her fuzzy hair blows from the near by fan. She's so beautiful. There in that moment the magnitude of the last 13 months comes crashing over me. In a quick moment it's all there. The pain, the fear, the constant worry, the eminse joy, the hope...all of it. She is a miracle. This baby was meant to be. Her life was planned long before I even knew it was her that our hearts so longed for.
Eight years of struggle. Three painful losses. God knew what He was doing. It hurts sometimes when I allow all the reality to set in. Those babies the losses would be 5 or 3 or even 2 (the one whose edd Arleigh closely shared exactly a year apart). I allow my mind to wonder, who would they be, what would they be like...then the reality if even 1 of those babies had survived we wouldn't have our Arleigh.
God used those 8 years to grow me. Grow our marriage. Grow my faith. He knew I'd need that to walk this journey with Arleigh. He knew the doubt in me from years past and I think He thought "here's my chance to show out". Boy did He ever.
I know I need to work on updating here. I want to do better. I need to share her story. We need a written testimony of God's goodness for the generations to come