Memory Hope pt2

In my previous post I tried to share the events in the days leading up to my March 9 doctors appointment. That is where I'll begin today.

After quickly posting to Facebook we went in the hospital to get checked in for routine blood work and a ultrasound. It's so strange these things are very routine and normally people don't meet them with as much fear as I had that day. The lab was backed up so we ventured down stairs to meet our sweet baby via ultrasound. I remember being extremely nervous as we waited for our name to be called.

The ultrasound tech calls my name and we go back. She gets us all set up asking how far along we were (trying to decide which kind of ultrasound to do). As she begins she asks if I have drank the suggested 20 oz of water. We joked that I was pregnant and drinking that much water without a bathroom break was almost impossible. As she slid the transducer across my belly she asked again "how far along are you". I respond "that I should be at least 10+ weeks." The tech then explains that my bladder isn't full enough and asks me to go drink some water and wait 20-30 minutes. As we walked out of the exam room I told Michael something wasn't right. I knew this wasn't good. At 10+ weeks seeing a baby full bladder or not shouldn't be a problem. At 2:00 on the nose she called us again. Sliding the transducer across my belly a second time I could tell from her face that things weren't right. She said she couldn't get a good view and needed to try a vaginal ultrasound instead to get a better view. After getting the machine set up I will never forget what the tech did next as she began she turned the screen away from me. I knew then something very bad was wrong. I laid there as she took measurements in silence. A few minutes in (which felt like eternity) I mustered some courage. "Can you see anything?" Her response haunts me to this day "No, Nothing."

I immediately broke down. I remember crying the most uncontrollable tears as Michael changed positions to be by my side and hold my hand. He leaned in to hug me and the tech said "she was sorry and was trying to hurry." I knew she had a job to do but time completely stood still. The tech finished up and said she would give us some time. As we walked out I remember asking her "did you see the baby? What's wrong". She just replied "she was sorry she had already said too much."

Because the ultrasound wasn't done in my doctors office I had to wait a bit before I could have my "results." Knowing my doctor wasn't in on Mondays I called and asked to speak to my nurse later that afternoon. I told her I knew things were bad and wondered if she had the results.

Sparing you the medical mumbojumbo the long and the short was that the baby was measuring several weeks smaller than my gestation and had no heartbeat. Those last words just hung in the air no heartbeat. As my sweet nurse kept talking I tried to listen. She tried to speak hope into the situation explaining that I could just be off on my dates and if I was finding no heartbeat via ultrasound at the measured gestation wasn't alarming. My doctor would be in the next day and call me.

The next morning I had a lengthy conversation with my doctor. After going over the dates I had we both knew there was no way I was just off. He suggested rechecking my hcg levels to confirm. If they dropped then that meant our baby was no longer with us and miscarriage was inevitable. The 3 days we waited for follow up blood work took forever. On that Thursday I drove to the hospital to get a copy since my doctor was out of the office. A quick glance confirmed our worst fear numbers had dropped. We were going to lose our baby. I spoke with my doctor the next morning about where we would go from there. He explained that we could wait it out and allow my body to do it's thing or we could opt for a d&c. I already knew we wanted to take route 1 and avoid a d&c if it was at all possible. So with that decision the wait began.

I remember sharing this photo and Facebook post one evening while we waited in limbo for my body to take over. After posting our selfie from the hospital I had dozens of emails, texts and fb messages asking how things had went. This post while difficult was the easiest way I could think of to spread the sad news and not have to have a million different conversations.

I have had dozens of messages, emails and text asking how our doctors appointment went on Monday. After some days of prayer and consideration we've decided the easiest way to answer them all would be to post here. This is by far the hardest post I have ever written. 
As you know Monday we went to have an ultrasound and meet our sweet baby for the first time. Sadly our sweet baby had no heartbeat. Hormone levels confirmed our worst fear that our baby was now resting in the arms of Jesus. As Christians we believe life begins at conception and while this life was cut extremely short we still cherish, celebrate and love our sweet little baby. We appreciate all your texts, calls and messages. Please forgive us if we don't reply. We are taking our time to grieve and navigate this tough situation. Please continue to pray for us in the days ahead.

Over the next two weeks I was a basket of emotions. I was still carrying my baby who was no longer with us. Sometimes I have lots of words for what I felt and sometimes I don't. I can best sum it up as a living hell waiting for the "ball to drop" at any minute. I was angry and tried crying out to God for comfort and peace some days I felt it and others I didn't. I didn't want to leave my house, I didn't want to have to share the details of the limbo we were in, and I sure didn't want to have to discuss this nightmare with those who hadn't seen our fb post. During this time Michael was nothing short of amazing. He was by my side as much as possible, he was beyond compassionate and allowed me to process each day as it came and made sure to pick up any slack I let drag. I learned a lot about my marriage in those days and I now we grew closer together. My children were amazing also. We just spent lots of time talking about our baby, talking about a name, talking about what heaven must be like for a little one and leaning on each other and our faith for comfort. I also had a slew of friends, family and our amazing church who just surrounded us with prayer and love during those days.

On the morning of March 22 I woke up too some spotting. For those who have suffered a miscarriage you know this is often the first sign that something is wrong. But for me it was a sign that my body had started the process of letting go. I reassured myself and my body that is was ok to let go that Jesus and my mom could hold and take care of my baby until I could. I experienced a level of frustration that evening when things seemed to be slowing down. I went to bed with the most horrendous cramps praying for God to comfort me during this time.

I passed our baby at home early in the morning on March 23. My instant emotion was relief then sadness complete and total sadness. Due to some initial hemorrhaging a trip to the er was necessary and Michael spent the rest of the day taking care of me.

We decided to name our baby Memory Hope. I suggested Memory because that is all we'll ever have of this sweet baby is a memory. Michael suggested Hope because this baby was a symbol of hope fulfilled and hope for a rainbow baby in our future. We chose to bury the remains in our rose garden and one day we hope to plant a beautiful tree in memory not only Memory Hope but her siblings she is playing with in heaven.

I want to share more about my emotions and the healing/grieving process. That post my friends will have to wait.

Memory Hope pt.1

January 8 2015 was my 31st birthday I was hastily preparing for a night out with Michael and our friends. A Dollar Tree pregnancy test lay unopened on my bathroom counter. I had looked at it a dozen times over the last few days. I was late and that wasn't unusual so I thought nothing of it and let the test just sit there. As I prepared for a friend to bring her young children over for my teenager to babysit I quickly took the test. Negative as usual.

Rewind 6 or so years...

After our youngest child Cooper was born Michael expressed a desire for that to be our last baby. I had a deep desire for more children but yielded to the decision of my husband. We took no permanent precautions but his mind was made up. Shortly after Cooper turned one Michael had a change of heart (which I had prayed for). We immediately began trying to have another baby. After some time of it not happening we decided we wouldn't try but we wouldn't prevent and we would leave this area of our lives completely up to God. Deep down I knew no matter what my desire for another child was strong. Over the years there was lots of disappointment, sadness and prayer as we longed to add to our family but it wasn't happening. Then in August of 2012 we suffered our first miscarriage. I was sad but considering I didn't know I was pregnant until it was happening the impact it made on either of us was small. I believe we suffered another miscarriage in the Spring of 2014. I was too afraid to confirm I was ever pregnant and again let my body take care of things naturally on it's own. 

During these times we never stopped praying, never stopping believing God would add to our family but at some point early this year we became content with things not matter how God decided to write the story. That is where I found myself in January. Too afraid to take the test and it be negative but completely ok with the out come. January's test was negative and I just went on with life as usual. I hadn't felt good since Christmas and since I wasn't pregnant I started to get frustrated that I couldn't feel better. The first Thursday in February Michael was off work for his usual off day. I didn't feel well and was experiencing lots of virago symptoms. Michael smugly recommended I take a pregnancy test. I hadn't even considered retesting! I quickly made a post in my Mommy FB Group "what were your earliest signs of pregnancy?" The comments matched several things I had been experiencing. I quickly realized if I was pregnant it was by far the sickest I'd ever been while pregnant! LOL Friday morning I went as usual to clean a house for one of my long time friends and clients. While there I had to have Jesse help my with a couple of the chores because the chemicals were making me sick. She then suggested I listen to Michael and make sure to pick up a test on the way home. So off to Wal-Mart we went. When I came home I was exhausted and terrified to test. Early that afternoon I took this test and this is what I saw...

Friday, February 6, 2015

I was speechless. I couldn't even manage words to call Michael. I just snapped this picture and sent it to him via text message with not words or explanations. I wish I had saved our dialogue because it was rather funny. Michael "what is that mean?" Me "you're going to be a daddy again." We were elated to say the least. I have never in my life been so overcome with joy. (OK I have but you know!) We had longed for this for so long and it was finally a reality. Those two dark pink lines meant so much to us. Since my cycles are rather irregular we decided a test that estimated weeks was a good way to go. Just as I suspected it estimated we were 5-6 weeks. This is around the same time we found out we were expecting with our boys so I was confident we were "safe". We told the children that same day and I told all my Mommy friends in my group so they could be praying for us. After announcing we were pregnant with Cooper and being met with such negative response we dreaded telling our family.  We knew so many people (not just family) would react in this same negative way this time. We chewed on our news and celebrated as a family for several days before telling our family about the sweet baby were carrying. 

We announced we were expecting on February 9 with this lovely photo and the hastags #macbaby2015 #worththewait. 

We were roughly 6 weeks pregnant and I was sick as dog but we wanted everyone to celebrate with us.  I spent the next several weeks awaiting my first "real" doctors appointment. During this time I spent a lot of time worrying about our baby. At the time the worry seemed ridiculous, now I guess it seems like "mother's intuition." I was sick and everyone would reassure me that this was a good sign that my body and hormones were doing what they were supposed to. 

Just days before my appointment I remember Michael coming home from work and sitting on the edge of the bed to talk to me. I had been in bed all day feeling icky and worried to death. I told him "Michael if something is wrong you have to be the strong one. I can't handle anymore heartache in this area. I want this baby to be ok but I'm terrified it isn't."

On the morning of March 9 I had my doctors appointment. At my doctors office your first appointment isn't much fun. It is a visit with the nurse to confirm you're pregnant, establish previous ob history and a bit of "education." They also scheduled a sonogram for later that afternoon. I was cautiously excited about getting to meet our baby that afternoon. Luckily Michael made it home in time to join me. I remember messaging my friend Melissa and telling her I was nervous. She asked specifically what I was afraid of. I replied "Something being wrong or there being no heartbeat." She promised to pray for me in the hours before and during the sonogram and blood work. As we arvived at the hospital for the test I snapped this picture of Michael and I quickly posting it to fb asking for prayer and good thoughts. 

Looking at that picture now seems so strange to me. We were so excited to be meeting our sweet little baby for the first time but I was rattled with fear that something just wasn't right...